Expansion Sculpture by Paige Bradley
I hope this Year finds you health & happy! Whoa, is it already June!!! For me, the New Year brought big change, uncertainty, and fear. Along with these feelings came excitement, joy and a sense of adventure.
Throughout 2013, I spent this past year in a separation after a 20 year marriage. I moved out mid-January and never returned. January 2014 started with a trip for some legal advice and filing for divorce. There, I said it! I filed for divorce; and it was final two weeks ago.
Throughout my blog, I wrote about finding your courage and speaking your truth. This has basically been my journey for the last few years.
I want to openly write about this because over the last few weeks, I have been introduced to many individuals that find themselves in the exact same situation and I want you to know, you’re not alone. I believe that marriage is a beautiful thing when it is based on love, trust, respect, mutual admiration, a true connection and two souls that grow together in the same direction. I believe that marriage is one of the biggest decisions you make, based on so little information. People grow and change, not always in the same way. As you discover who you really are, or even rediscover who you were, sometimes that does not always match your current situation. All the things that I thought I wanted in my life were there, but was it what society made me think I wanted, or what I really wanted?
While it seemed like life was great from the outside, something was missing… and that something was me. I was a mother, a wife, a nurse, a sister, a friend. The real me is a free-spirited gypsy soul. My religion is love, but I can be a complete nut, out of the box, and dare I say it, a crazy bitch! I love my alone time and being independent. While I was in the midst of raising my beautiful children, there was no other place I wanted to be! They were my life! As the children got older and became more independent, I began to turn inward. I realized too, they would be starting their own paths and their own journeys.
Of course, everyone said I was depressed, I was going through a “mid-life crisis”, that I was out of my mind. At times, I began to think those thoughts as well. With time, counseling, meditation, solitude, and lots of yoga, I realized I was going through a spiritual awakening, coupled with the fact that relationships can run their course. While I was married to the most kind-hearted, loving and wonderful father to my children, my marriage had run its course.
We all stay in relationships for different reasons and those reasons are valid. But at some point in your life, it does have to be about you; not your children, not your religion, not your financial status, or what other people expect of you. When people grow in different directions and seek different paths, there are crossroads to face. We either follow status quo, or make a decision ~” it is time for a change.” I was criticized for walking away from a 20 year marriage. People will criticize what they don’t understand. People will criticize because it’s easier to analyze and gossip about someone else’s marriage than to take a good hard look at their own. I like the comments; Bring it! I was even accused of having an affair. That would have been exciting…
In the end, I still wanted my freedom and I had no idea what that was going to look like…. With this freedom comes fear, uncertainty, and of course, insecurities. After building a life with someone for many years, the unraveling of these 2 people creates exposed areas and wounds. These wounds are fresh, at first, but with time, will heal. I know I will heal. It is a process and I’m just starting this part of my journey.
I know I will be ok. I will be more than ok. Most of the time (95%), I feel good about my decision. Once in a while, I have those dark moments where I question myself. I question my ability to make it on my own and my long term happiness; always reminding myself that happiness is an inside job. There are moments when I say, “WTF did I just do?” I have realized that I have to surrender to these moments. It is what it is. When you have these moments, just be with your feelings…
We are all a little broken at some point in our lives. From this brokenness, comes rawness and vulnerability. This is where we heal and where we grow. Remember it’s ok to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable helps you shed that mask and brings the right people in your life to help you heal.
Really examine your feelings. Is your spirit hidden? Does your light shine? Are you living from your heart? When you begin to speak your truth and live from your heart, everything feels good, everything feels genuine, and life just flows. If this is what you desire….dare to make some changes in your life so that magic can happen. Magic happens when you are out of your comfort zone! It is scary, I won’t lie to you.
Once you make a decision for change, you’d be surprised at how the universe conspires to create what your spirit longs for……
Do not let society dictate what you are supposed to be doing in your life…
Do some soul searching, spend some time alone, and begin to find your inner bliss.
This sculpture by Paige Bradley is titled “Expansion”
“From the moment we are born, the world tends to have a container already built for us to fit inside: a social security number, a gender, a race, a profession or an I.Q. I ponder if we are more defined by the container we are in, rather than what is inside. Would we recognize ourselves if we could expand beyond our bodies? Would we still be able to exist if we were authentically ‘un-contained’? “ Paige Bradley